I went to the nursing home yesterday bearing my customary offering of shrimp cocktail. The Grammy recognized and greeted me as usual, then added that no one from the family had bothered to visit her for a long time. She dismissed my response that my sister had just visited. Then the conversation got weird.
"How are our parents?" she asked, as I arranged shrimp and cocktail sauce on her tray.
"Our parents? What parents do you mean?"
She flashed immediate anger. "Our parents. What are you, stupid?" She dipped her fingers in the cocktail sauce and put them in her mouth.
"Mum, I'm your son, not your brother. And you have to take a shrimp first, before you dip in the sauce." I dipped a shrimp and held it in front of her mouth. She bit it off at the tail.
"Well, then, how are my parents?" she asked as she chewed.
"Mum, how old are you?"
"Eighty-two."
"Close. You're eighty-four. How old would that make your parents?"
Something got through. She took a shrimp, dipped it in an empty spot on the tray, and put it in her mouth, tail and all.
"Your cousin Ricky was in to see me. He's gay, you know." She fished the shell of the tail out of her mouth.
"I know, Mum. I've known for 30 years. I hope you were nice to him."
She bit off another proffered shrimp. "Oh, I just asked him, and he said that he thought I already knew." What she'd actually said was, "Ricky, why aren't you married? You're not gay, are you?"
A nurse entered the room. "Sorry to interrupt," she said, "but I need to take your blood sugar."
"Ohhh'" my mother warned me. "Watch out for this one."
The nurse performed a finger stick.
"JESUS!" bellowed my mother. "Why don't you stick it in so it comes out the other side?"
"Mum, be nice. She's just doing her job."
The nurse turned to me. "You know what she told me last week?" she asked. "She told me that I'm a very unattractive woman."
"Well, you are," the Grammy reiterated helpfully.
The other caregivers I'd met had been able to ignore such comments, but this woman was clearly hurt. "It's just her illness," I told her. "She doesn't mean it."
"Yes I do," the Grammy contradicted. "She is a homely woman." As if to emphasize her clarity on the point, she picked up a shrimp, dipped it in sauce, and bit it off at the tail.
The nurse retreated with her hard-won blood sample. The Grammy began to speculate about which women in the family had been virgins when they married. It was time for me to get going.
The Grammy picked up a whole shrimp. Forgetting both sauce and tail, she popped the whole crustacean into her mouth.
"This cocktail sauce you brought has no bite to it," she said.
Is it all in that pretty little head of yours?
What goes on in that place in the dark?
Well I used to know a girl and I could have sworn
that her name was Veronica
Well she used to have a carefree mind of her own
and a delicate look in her eye
These days I'm afraid she's not even sure
if her name is Veronica.
"Veronica" by Elvis Costello
11 comments:
Alzheimer ’s disease is terrible. My Grandmother had it and I remember my mothers' struggles caring for her. You have my best wishes.c
I can't imagine the pain this must bring you.
I can't help it; your mother still makes me laugh. Or is it you...?
But I know just how this is. You laugh, and then you cry.
Oh, Paul, I am sorry.
If this is ever me, you can go ahead and laugh before you cry. My lucid self would have seen the humor (and been mortified over the comments to the nurse). But to have this be your mother... .
Such heartbreak.
I'm a little irritated by your nurse... Anybody who works with Alzheimer's patients and is so sensitive as to be visibly hurt by the things they say, probably should be doing something else. How would she expect old souls--who have reverted to being little more than children--to treat someone whose job it is to poke holes in them?
It's grueling to watch them slip away, isn't it? I am sorry, Paul...
Ahhh Paul, I have a wrenching pull in my heart as well as the giggle on the side...
Bless you for putting in a way that I am sure is less biting than it truly is...
Peace
Jodi
You know, Paul, the thing that I find the saddest is knowing how mortified our loved ones would be if they realized what they were saying and doing. These are the kinds of behaviors that we find hysterical when we see them in movies, or read about them coming from the mouth of a character in a book. But it isnt funny at all when it comes from someone dear to us, who has NO intention of causing hurt. I sympathize with you, my friend. This is no easy road to travel.
Don't know what to say, but wanted to comment and let you know I was here to read this. And I'll be back to read more.
I know you know this already, but that's not really your mother in there. It's so painful to see someone you love, go in this direction.
Your other commenters are right though, you have a humorous way of putting things. Sometimes if you don't laugh...you cry. Laughter is sometimes the better choice.
Paul
Our parents get older, and it gets harder. And then we get old. I don't know which is worse, accepting the gradual loss of our parents or fearing the eventual diminishing of ourselves.
I am sorry to hear about Grammy's Alzheimers. I am glad that you are still writing about things that matter.
Peace.
Neil
sadly, more and more people are being diagnosed with this disease at younger ages. I've always thought that shrimp cocktail should be served without the tails intact. Now I know I'm right.
Maryanne
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