Secrets of Irish-American Cuisine

It has become apparent to me that French and Italian cuisine are vastly overrated. Their widespread popularity is derived from the fancy schmancy names the cooks, um, I mean, chefs give to their concoctions. Take away their garlic, and they're lost. Cream reduction sauce? What, they never heard of A-1?

Accordingly, I am offering some of my favorite Irish-American recipes for your consideration. I have renamed them to give them proper status in the gustatory pantheon.

Pommes de terres mashee’
Peel and boil potatoes until they have the consistency of...well, soft potatoes. Add a dollop of milk. Pound them with a masher until the tenants downstairs call and ask if the furnace is going to explode. Repeat nightly for forty years.

Porque choppe’ avec champignons con suppe
Fry pork chops in the cast iron skillet until no tapeworm could possibly survive. Test doneness by bending chop; if it doesn’t break, it’s not done. Pour a can of cream of mushroom soup over the chops. Serve with puree de pommes ala Mott’s.

Fruites du Mere en croute fritee’
Place one package fish sticks on cookie sheet and bake according to the directions on the box. Garnish with sauce tartare (combine equal parts mayonnaise and hamburger relish). Eat on Fridays, or you will go to Hell. Yes, still.

Ragout de Boeuf
Combine stew meat, sliced potatoes, sliced carrots, and an onion in a cast iron crock. Pour in some water. Take out a bay leaf, look at it, smell it, shrug, and throw it in. Place the crock over low heat. Check in three days for doneness. The dish is done if no trace of the onion can be found. Serve with white bread and oleo.

Pois cannes du beurre
Open a can of medium peas and heat in saucepan. Drain. Add pat of oleo. Seasoning? Didja not see the salt on the table?

Ensalada Verde avec tomate
Tear apart a head of iceberg lettuce. Cut a tomato into eight wedges. Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Pour one pint of Wishbone Italian dressing over the combined ingredients. (More adventurous Irish-American chefs have been known to add sliced cucumber to this dish)

Pannini Tunfisch
Combine one 6 oz. can solid pack white albacore with 4 cups of Miracle Whip. Add one tablespoon diced celery. Spoon mixture onto 8 slices of white bread, being careful to cover bread completely with a layer approximately 2 mils thick. Top with additional slices of white bread. Recipe feeds average family of eight; increase amount of Miracle Whip for larger families.

Feel free to copy and use these recipes. Their widespread adoption will help bring Irish-American cuisine the notice it deserves. Bono appetito.